It’s been bubbling up in my feed. That Chappell Roan quote. I encourage you to watch it with her words and not a spin on it. But here’s what has everyone up in arms.

All of my friends who have kids are in hell. I actually don’t know anyone who’s like happy and has children, at this age. Anyone who has light in their eyes. Anyone who has slept…. They’re mothers. They’re fucking busy. And they have jobs and lives…

I really liked this #MomLife comic illustrator’s Mary Catherine Starr of @momlife_comics take on it.

She also mentioned those friends being so supportive and having to get babysitters to go to her shows. Girl, that’s life. I’m thinking about that with an upcoming Beyonce concert I have! I’ve wanted to start a WAGS (women and gender studies) Amherst girls group chat about it but honestly, I haven’t had the time! Working and parenting and all…. But let’s start with the age. Chappell is 27, in her late 20s. In different parts of the US like the midwest vs. NYC families start earlier, the ability to buy a home, a lot of things are simply different. In NYC we’re like poor Peter Pans, we can’t afford real estate, work ourselves silly, it’s even harder financially having kids at that age, so we’re still acting like kids a bit. And I thank God for those extra years to find myself. Without a doubt the person I am now is much more capable of motherhood, the peaks and the valleys, than the person I was at 27. Sure, she’s saying it in a very direct way. But the truth hurts and it seems to me that she’s speaking as someone who listens and sees her friends beyond their “blessings” of having a beautiful family. These are her best friends she’s speaking about. Chappell Roan past speech on the music industry exposed an uncomfortable truth about artists rights and things like health insurance. To me, this is another one of those uncomfortable truths in a time when we’re looking to the great escape of With Love, Meghan or the extreme tradwives content. But we need to take in both. We must not be so dulled by escapism that we miss the cage being built around us.

I remember someone telling me I looked so fabulous doing it [motherhood] and I’m doing a good job. I leaned into their comment, wanting to know more about what they meant without prying. They didn’t say that I “made it look easy.” Which brought me a sigh of relief. It’s not easy. And I would never want to portray that it is. It would be a disservice to all caregivers. And doing it here in Italy without support is especially challenging. It’s funny because culturally, Italy is definitely better set up for parenting… if you have the support and fall into a sterotypical type of motherhood. Financially, childcare, etc. There are sexist expectations but at least there’s support for it! Nursery costs are so much more affordable compared to the US. In the US there are sexist expectations for the burdens of childrearing to fall on women but there aren’t securities set up to support them. But my village is definitely in New York. The fRamily that keeps you well rounded. I got a taste of that again while at my friend Caterina’s place last week. The village is not just important for childcare but you care. They keep that light in your eyes. Chappell might see her friends are just being especially supportive coming to her concerts, but that’s selfcare for them!

Anyone Who Has Slept…

Last Monday night I got a beautiful night’s sleep. The best in I can’t remember. I was at a work conference staying at the Four Seasons Milan. The first night, I woke up, I only slept on my side of the bed. The second night, I went all in. I luxuriated in those sheets, bounced on those pillows. It was glorious. Yes, sleep is a luxury in motherhood. I wake up at the slightest turn of Blue that my husband can sleep through and we are on consistent high alert, especially in those neonatal months (I got an oura ring, encouraged by my friend Alexandra to track that).

But bringing it back to travel…

My husband, Blue and I spent the day at Four Seasons Milano before my conference started. We had lunch and enjoyed the pool. During lunch, Blue gobbled off her delicious lasagna, stayed in her highchair and just hung out until we finished eating.

A mother of older kids came up to me as they were leaving lunch to say how amazing Blue was and what a wonderful job I was doing. She was so beautiful and well behaved. I must say… I did feel a sense of pride. Small wins….

But Blue was also just extra chill at lunch. She patiently waited as one of the Zello restaurant staff buckled her in her highchair. She dropped a fork, before we could think, she had a new one. Over the next two days there, whenever I went down for breakfast, the staff asked “where’s the princess? Doesn’t she want breakfast before school?” I notice this difference in airline experiences as well. Michele and I said, in truely luxurious spaces, our daughter is not a bother…. They seamlessly find a way to work around her / embrace her. It’s one of the reasons why Four Seasons is often my “pit stop” when I’m in Milan with Blue. Kid-friendly luxury in no way downgrades the service, for us, it elevates all of our experience.

Mommy content and why I’ve stayed away

While I’ve dipped my toe in the mommy content space with brands like Dyper, I’ve always been wary of mommy blogging and parenting content. “It’s cutthroat!” I told my former agency. “I don’t need a million moms comming at me because I chose to latch this thing, this way!” I also don’t want to be exploitive of Blue, if it’s paid content, she’s getting paid. That’s the only way it’s right. And often, what I’ve seen, that’s the gross underbelly of the mommy content world — the brunt of unpaid labor.

Absolutely!

As a founding member of American Influencer Council, I wanted to be transparent as well. With the large influence of mom content and the creators being women, I find it problematic when multi-million dollar companies generate unpaid advertising and story-telling from said women in exchange for items that couldn't cover the cost of a pack of diapers (big ticket items like car seats and strollers obviously not withstanding).

Organically using and sharing the brands is one thing but gifting in exchange for in-feeds etc is something that seems so interesting in this field from what I'm seeing new in "mommy creator" agencies.

Thank you for your understanding as it's quite surprising to me!

Warmly,

Nneya

or

The email above was a favorite, another, that I can’t find at the moment involved me telling a woman at a clothing company who wanted to send us clothes for Blue to wear on social for trade something to the effect of I’m not going to encourage another generation of a Black woman into unpaid labor that wouldn’t cover the cost of a pack of teething snacks. Back into my Women and Gender Studies at Amherst mind I’m like of course this field is the most exploitive I’ve come across in the influencer game. Motherhood and childcare in general is so often exploited as a political tool in the United States, why not in this field.

Yes, Blue has done modelling. Italy, is pretty white washed, especially on a professional level and the diversity amongst kids and professionals she sees on sets is pretty amazing for me. Also, even at a young age, the idea of work and pride in work, ambition and excitement are things she gets from sets. While taking the family photo for the Christmas card, Blue ran behind the camera to “set it up.” She held it perfectly and said click. I know I’ve been on sets where I’ve applauded the model who was eager to learn behind the scenes haha! My husband didn’t do internships, it wasn’t as common here as it was for kids from New York City (even though while I was studying abroad here, my program did have an internship option so I interned here too…) and though Blue is young, that confidence, capability and agency is pretty wonderful to witness in her. New York State has great child labor laws with trusts in this respect.

This is all to say, I wouldn’t trade this because Blue is an awesome person and raising her is my calling and passion. She’s empathetic, so smart and funny. She’s very fulfilling. And keeps me busy. Her tantrum phase had me dialing up Dr. Becky, but I also accepted it as par for course. She has this huge personality that’s amazing to watch and brings excitement, pride and challenges. Quiet part said out loud, Blue and her personality make the hard parts less hard.

She’s definitely a large part of the dolce in my vita here.

xx,

Ny